A sudden urge to post a midnight blog, a pathetic title and haphazard writing. All point to signs of desperation. Truth is I am desperate. I am so lost and zoned out that I need help badly.
People said that life begins at 30. I feel mine will end in my 30s. Why not? Each time I close my eyes, I have intense dreams of work, work and work that I have to wake up panting. It's not that I hate my work, in fact I love it. But why is it that I'm becoming unhappy and very stressed out?
If you asked me, I'd prefer a much simpler life. I know that I never want to own a car, I enjoy walking and taking public transportation. I do not mind living in a rented apartment till the day I die, all I want to eat for the rest of my life are rice and beans. If I have a lot of money, that's great, if not, hey that's ok too. But it's just that people around me expect me to be "better", to "aim higher", to "achieve my potential", to make lots of money" and to die young.
I have tried to make money, I'm not good at it, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I'm just not good at it. I think I tend to screw up too much. I'm not a people person and to put it bluntly, I can't care less what people want and need. Although at times, I may love money, the "high" associated with getting money do not last long. After a few months, they do not have any lasting power. Worse, money gives me a lot of reasons to feel fearful. I fear I will lose them, I fear I will spend on stupid things like another stupid investment instrument and so on and so for. These fear will one day drive me to commit suicide.
Next come the people, there are so many people that I hate. I have a long list of people whom I hate for no reason at all. I just get irritated at the thought of them.
I know these are symptoms of stress and depression. And I'm dying to get out of it. But truth of the matter is I'm really scared of myself. When I can't produce, I look down on myself. I know people outside will look down on me too. These days I talk to my stuffed dogs. They have the power to make me laugh, smile and cry. I feel that they are the only beings who do not look down on me, they do not expect anything from me. They are the ones who love me unconditionally
My neck aches and I feel light headed. My breathing is heavy and I just want to sleep to forget everything. Unfortunately, several hours later, I will wake up and this devil cycle will start all over again.
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